Peluqueria

One of the very few benefits of not having "alot up top" is the simplicity of explaining to the hairdresser what you require. Let's face it "machina cuatro por todo por favor" (number 4 please) isn't going to confuse anyone. Wrong. He had even repeated what i'd said before he embarked on giving me a number one. So he's a sadist, innumerate or they have a different scale here, eitherway i no longer have anything up top. Gracias!!!

Still i'm off to Easter Island tomorrow, supposedly the remotest inhabited island in the world, so i feel i'm far enough away from the kind souls out there who'd wish to take the piss.

Viña del Mar

Hideous tourist trap of a beach resort. Thankfully, this place is only 15 minutes away by bus so not much time was wasted. Did enjoy the train journey back and the park wasn't too shabby either. If you are feeling all poetic zoom in on the tree for your poem of the day.

Adrenalin Rush

Mirador Marcia Mercante. To escape the hordes i decided to climb to this viewpoint. It's a seriously long way up. The view of the whole bay is spectacular but somehow the beauty of the town has gone. The contrasts just aren't there and the colours muted by the distance. A tour bus arrives. Time to leave. There looks to be a better viepoint over to the right. Another 30 minutes upwards and i'm in a great little plaza with even better views but equally unreflective of the joys of the town below.

Dear mother you probably don't want to read this bit, but no harm was done. I decide to head down a different route, a short while later i'm fairly convinced i shouldn't be here. An even shorter while later 2 lads start approaching quickly from behind. I hear breaking glass. RUN! Thank god i'm wearing trainers, have lost a few stone and there's such a thing as adrenalin. Took about 2 hours to get up there, took about 15 minutes to get down. Lucky i didn't trip. Massive buzz and a wonderful beer followed.

Still love this town.

Reservoir Dogs

The Queen Mary docked and unleashed it's contents on Valparaiso. My hosts told me to stay as far away aspossible since the only people welcoming them would be pickpockets, con-artists and a few hundred police trying to prevent the inevitable carnage. I couldn't resist, had to go take a look see but with only my camera and a few pesos. Managed to get a shot of them marching down the street, reminded me of the opening titles of Reservoir Dogs, with equally catastrophic results. Thankfully, after a few hours the ship plays it's tune (somewhat like the Pied-Piper) and they all scuttle back on board. Adios.

You may have noticed i have a thing against cruises. I just don't get it. Their next stop is Buenos Aires seven days later, it's a five hour flight. Why would you want to be on a boat? The only thing your liable to experience is legionaires disease, salmonella or depression. I now think of them as floating loony bins, at least for seven days terra ferma is a better place.

Perfection?

I've spent the day trying to work out why i love this place. There's poverty, decay, eyesores; the port's horrible but somehow this all adds rather than detracts. It's the imperfections. Juxtapostion central. Beauty and the beast. Whatever, it works for me - every street you see something different, you feel obliged to walk up it (this gets painful after a while), but you are always rewarded with a new perspective or a different colour or ...... there's just so much.

I walked to Neruda's museum today following Av. Alemania, the views as you were swept along the hillside were truly staggering.

It's getting dark and the lights are coming on, time for a beer on the terrace whilst watching the show. I don't think i've ever told anyone to go anywhere. (Apart from back where they came from!) Come here.

Stairs

I awaken, the peace shattered as the dogs commence battle over the day's first scraps. The sun fossilising the town in its amber hue. A floating city looms on the horizon threatening to spew forth a multitude of sins and a bucket load of cash. My legs are aching, the rigours of a day climbing Valparaiso have taken their toll. Coffee, cigarettes and stairs....

The stairs start out from the bottom and the top, winding as they climb. They taper off like strands of hair, give you a slight respite, and then go straight up. They become dizzy. Plunge down. Drag out. Turn back. They never end.

How many stairs? How many steps to the stairs? How many feet on the steps? How many centuries of footsteps, of going down and back up with a book, tomatoes, fish, bottles, bread? How many thousands of hours have worn away the steps, ,asking them into little drains where the rain runs down, playing and crying?

Stairways?

No other city has spilled them, shed them like petals into its history, down its own face, fanned them into the air and put them together again, as Valparaiso has. No city has had on its face these furrows where lives come and go, as if they were always going up to heaven or down into the earth.

Stairs that have given birth, in the middle of their climb, to a thistle with purple flowers! Stairs the sailor, back from Asia, went up only to find a new smile or a terrifying absence in his house! Stairs down which a staggering drunk dived like a black meteor! Stairs the sun climbs to go make love to the hills!

If we walk up and down all of Valparaiso's stairs, we will have made a trip around the world.

My legs ache.

The afternoon spent on the terrace as far from the Queen Mary's inhabitants as possible. Pablo Neruda's memoirs are a delight. I hope you enjoyed his piece on stairs! Mind you reading it whilst overlooking the bay, quaffing a beer, may add something. Today is one of those days - i love this place.

Valparaiso

Leave Mendoza at 10.30pm, luxury bus but it caters for locals, who are all a bit short, so there's the usual dearth of legroom. Just managed to get to sleep when we hit the border and am rudely awakened for the hour long farce that is passport and customs control. Chile is probably the only country that cares about customs, they x-ray everything. No problems, back on the bus, back to sleep.

Arrive at Viña del Mar at 6.30, a cool sea breeze, no buses and no Chilean cash. Cashpoint is working (miraculous), taxi - off to Valparaiso 15 minutes down the coast. Arrive at 7.30 wake up the daughter, she makes coffee and shows me the terrace, spectacular view, all is well. A nap follows.

Mad town built on the steep hills surrounding the bay. Wonderfully coloured houses, stunning views all over but the highlight is the ascensores. Fernaculars, i think we call them. Whatever, wooden boxes that are pulled up the side of the hill (steam or hydraulics were used, oil now. My legs are now hurting because i've been walking up the side of them trying to take pictures, there are about 14 of them scattered along the hillside. Reach the famous one and am about to get on it because i'm knackered. However, i am stopped in my tracks, it's been turned private, the price has quintupled and the locals are outraged. How do i know this? Posters everywhere "abuso" etc.The posters are in french, german, engish and spanish asking all tourists not to use it.

So i walk. Get to the top and am passing the entrance when a fat American and her friends emerge. They are agreeing amongst each other that the price hike has kept the locals off it and given them more space. Unreal, they needed a good kicking. Lost my temper, still probably shouldn't have said "you stupid f**king ignorant wan*kers why don't you f**k off back to where your from". Always knew the Oddbins customercare course would come in handy. Oh well, i felt better.

More walking, a massive Paella at about 4pm and then back to the hotel for the terrace views and a spot of reading, i have bought Pablo Neruda's memoirs (he lived her for a while). This is a beautiful town. Somewhat shabby, somewhat dodgy near the port area, lots of stray dogs, v steep hills, but i love it.

P.S Photos to follow photoshop permitting.

Joe Orton

I don' normally read plays but i had run out of books and was thus forced to read anything that the hostel had in English. This turned out to be an anthology of Joe Orton's plays. The Erpingham Camp; and What the Butler Saw are hilarious.

“Reading isn't an occupation we encourage among police officers. We try to keep the paperwork down to a minimum.”

"You cannot compile a wit out of two half-wits."

"It's Life that defeats the Christian Church. She's always well-equipped to deal with Death."

Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.

.....and many many more.

Adios Mendoza

Beautiful, relaxed, friendly, stunning Andean backdrop and worrying amount of wine available. A brilliant place for a week or two but it's a bit culturally bereft, living here would do one's head in after a while. You'd also put on a load of weight, the best restaurant's i've come across in South America. Azafran is stunning, 3 courses - a glass of wine with each and all for a tenner.

Last night i was out with a couple of ex-pats and a load of locals, we headed off to a new bar, live music and loads of standing space - unusual in Argentina, everyone sits no one mingles. The locals were extremely surprised when the drummer came over and said hello to me, i had to explain he was a croupier in the casino! Classic. Great night, horrible hangover but all is well - Chelski and Man Utd lost.

Tomorrow i head for Valparaiso on the Chilean coast. A relatively posh B&B, with suposedly great views, is waiting for me. A period of helathy eating, no booze and no casino is definitely required.

Alta Montañas Part II

Los Incas. Frankly i was expecting this to be crap. Some poxy Incan ruin used as a resting point for the driver. Not quite. A variety of algaes, created by the hot spring beneath, have transformed this ruin, the vivd colours in stark contrast to the surrounding bleakness. Supposedly the bridge was created via glacial activity, not sure how this works, but by this point i was only listening to the spanish explanations and staying as far away from the English people as possible. Just loved this place. Sensibly they've recently blocked off access to stop further tourist erosion, so you can't get as close as you'd wish but was still undoubtedly the highlight of this tour.

Our final stop before a late lunch and a long slog home is the border of Chile way up in the Andes. An amazing climb zigzagging 800m upwards. A few people were cycling up this monster, full respect - no oxygen and very steep. Feeling a bit dodgy now, we're at 3900m and the rise has not been gradual. The views are stunning, the obligatory Christ statue is on show, but most are relieved to start descending again. A truly horrible lunch followed and we finally got back to Mendoza at 7pm. Beer, shower, beer, cigarettee, dinner, casino (-200), bed.

Alta Montañas

Two days of well earned R & R and my back was prepared for another stint on a tour bus. This time it's the Alta Montañas bordering Chile, the highlight being Aconcagua the highest mountain in the region at over 6900m.

7am and i'm rudely awakened by the hostel worker, maybe i shouldn't have gone to the casino last night (-200). Quick coffee, a medialuna and a fag and all's right with the world and off i set. Minibus has an English family, couple of Aussies and 4 Argentinians. Needless to say the English family were rude, obnoxious and thick, the Aussies seemed as cultured as a well kept pot of Yoghurt and the Argies were quality. Ummm.

First stop some tiny little bridge in the middle of nowhere. Apparently, very significant because the army that liberated Chile from the Spanish marched over it - small army was what came to mind. Then to LOs Penitentes, a ski resort, where all the decent views were clearly going to be from the top, ski-lift - bugger. Not a big fan of these things but survived intact and some other git insisted on taking my picture at the top. Stunning views, incredibly clear day and not too hot, mainly becaause at this point we had already climbed to 2900m.

The highlight came next. Aconcagua. Bus stops, we get out, guide insists on taking pictures of all of us with this behemoth behind us. Normally this would make sense but when there's a cloud blocking it's view - there ain't much point - deleted it.
However, did take a picture of the sign. What is it with people that they have to be in every picture in front of every landmark to prove they've actually been there?

Next stop Los incas - the next blog

Search party

These photos are the lake created by the dam. A rare sighting of me only occurred because Alberto, one of the friendly locals insisted. My brother is concerned, his polite response when i sent the photo was "where r ur tits?", lovely fella, miss him. The last photo is solely to save me from having to send my mother some perverted postcard.

Cañon Atuel photos

The first two are the dam, the next two the canyon, if you look closely at the first canyon photo - half way up on a rock on the right is a woman which gives you some sort of scale.

Cañon Atuel

A fellow inmate of La Bobe Hostel suggested a tour of Cañnon Atuel. I signed up, she didn't. Typical. I'm not a fan of tours, but unless you rent a car some places are just unreachable, Cañon Atuel is one such place.

We set off at 7am. First stop is the obligatory church in the middle of nowhere. As far as i could tell this one had nothing to offer, but it did have a "stating the bleeding obvious" sign next to it that almost made it worthwhile (photo to follow). then spent a couple of hours driving through some classic pampas scenery: rugged, bleak, barren and vast. This brought back many memories of last years ramble around Patagonia. Stop at another religios shrine. This offers a great view and a seriously cheesy Christlike figure. On to the Cañon.

The Cañon has four hydroelectric dams. The lake created on the uppermost level is enormous and in such an arid region a refreshing change - literally. Lunch is consumed at the local tourist trap restaurant, but is good nonetheless. We then wind our way down through the Cañon - spectacular, reminiscent of many a Bolivian bus ride, Stops are frequent, legs are stretched, cigarettes inhaled and photos taken. This is fortunate because i'm starting to realise this is going to be a very long day.

After the Cañon we pass through San Rafael and the obligatory vineyard stop. Forced to imbibe a horrific chenin, battery acid malbec and then Mistrela - unbelievably sweet,toxic nutty horror - definitely in my top 3 worst wines of all time. The lunatic tour guide saw my distaste but said a mixture of the two whites was wonderful refreshing, promptly made me a blend and offered it to me. The masochist in me made me sip it. This is the only time in my life where a sip of wine has made me throw up. Thankfully, i'd beat a quick retreat outside and out of sight.

Finally return to Mendoza at 9pm. 14 hours in a minibus isn't good for one's back. The scenery was great, but nothing new. What made the tour special was the other passengers. All of them Argentinians on holiday. 4 couples of various ages and 3 young lads all out to have a good time. Learnt loads about the regions they came from, spoke loads of Spanish, only 2 could speak English, and generally had a thoroughly good laugh.

Couple of beers, a monster steak and then bed. Anyone that believes the last bit doesn't know me. Casino.

Mon -300
Tues +500

Too much gambling

Various people have suggested i may have a gambling issue. There's no "may" about it. But i will stop mentioning it, seems to be boring almost all. For those with a similar problem the figure at the bottom of future Mendoza blogs will show profit or loss.

Bond, James Bond

Went trekking - great views, good exercise. Enough of that.

Third night in the casino. Great place for speaking the lingo and getting quietly plastered.

However, last night was a tad special. Went with a 100 pesos. Played the slots for a while and ended on 200 pesos. Played a weird poker game lost 50 pesos. Played roullette lost 100 pesos in one spin - oops. Down to 50 left. Played blackjack won 50 pesos.

Now for the James Bond moment. Played craps. Lost 70 pesos - down to 30 pesos. My turn to roll the dice. i have never in my life gone on a winning streak like this, even when i won a shitload in vegas - i started with alot more. Bit of a tragedy this was in pesos but was comfortably my best gambling session.

I bet on 4,5 9, 10 and double 3 and double 4 you win if you hit these but lose all if you roll a seven. It's a bit more complicated than that but that's the gist of it. I rolled double 4 - pays 9 times. Rolled a 4 pays a bit, the rest i don't remember but i didn't roll a seven for about 30 rolls - unfu**inbelievable (it should happen 1 in 6), by the time i'd finished i reckon i had tipped the croupiers about 300 pesos which left me with..............

2500 pesos. To put this in perspective that's a month of free living. (415 quid)

Now from a start of 30 this is a bit of a beauty. Even more amazingly i didn't carry on - cashed in , i wasn't the only one - a couple of other players followed suit, they didn't up the ante as much but won about a 1000. For one of them, Diego, this was almost a months wages - he was practically in tears - quality. Went to the bar together, I bought a bottle of fizz and then drank free lager with them for quite a while.

Missed my tour. Today is a day of nothing. Tomorrow i'm off to Cañon Atuel for the day - supposed to be beautiful. Yesterday life was truly beautiful.

Wine tour

Rain was predicted, nowt to do and the vineyards i've contacted haven't replied yet. Nothing for it, a wine tour it is. The problem with wine tours is that they are shit. You wander around the vineyard with some smarmy git telling you how they make their wine, the fact that he's just memorised some sheet and doesn't really have a clue becomes apparent when the first question is asked. Then they open a load of muck and expect you to drink it, one of them nearly made me hurl. Sarsons, tinted with beetroot colouring. Clearly buggered but no one seemed to notice. You can taste decent stuff but i reckon it'd be cheaper to buy it in a shop, if you can find a few like minded folks.

After this trauma you are whisked off to another vineyard and the smarmy git's clone turns up and tortures you again. By this point i was seriously tempted to drink the spittoon, i reckoned it would have more body. So that's it, i'm never going to a vineyard again unless it's a freebie and the vineyard is Krug. After this things improved, we stopped on the way back at a chocolate factory. Interesting and tasty.

In the evening i bumped into someone i'd met in the casino last night, didn't need much excuse to go back there, lost all the profit and 25 pesos. Bugger. Mind you 2 nights of free drinks for 4 quid, not sure that counts as being down. I'm sure most of you aren't interested in blackjack but for those that are i saw someone stick on 6, an ace, a 2 and a 3, the fact the dealer said sixteen may have misled him but still. They are also the most incompetent dealers i've ever seen, over time the odds are probably in your favour. Twice i was paid when i'd lost, bizarrre.

Tomorrow i'm trekking. If i can cantilever myself out of bed afterwards i may even write about it. Chau.

Cerro de la Gloria

My first full day in Mendoza, what to do? Having scoffed down a fairly lavish breakfast a long walk seemed like a good option. It's very cloudy and i'm assured by reception it will stay that way, perfect conditions for a hike through town and upto the viewpoint "Cerro de la Gloria" in the main park.

The centre of town is Plaza Independencia with four smaller plazas two blocks out on the diagonal. X marks the spot so to speak. The main square is a bit dull, loads of rip off corner bars and a few expensive restaurants and hotels. Amongst the four smaller ones plaza españa, on the south east diagonal, stands out. Wonderful tile work on the fountains and benches (a photo will follow - photoshop permitting).

An hour later and i've reached the entrance of the main park to the west of town. Huge wrought iron gates and a couple of lions (statues) greet you. Very grand but i'm already getting a bad feeling, there's a sodding great road going through the park and worse still the sun's coming out, it's one pm and my sunscreen is in my other rucksack - oops.

Sod it, off i set. This park is much bigger than it looks, takes an hour to reach the base of the summit, got lost a few times mainly because i was trying to avoid the roads that seem to be strewn randomly around, a bizarre design. Thankfully i bump into a park ranger who points out the winding trail i have to follow. I am starting to burn and there's not much shade. Make my map into a hat.

3 cigarettes later i reach the top, a wonderful climb bar the odd car passing by giving me odd looks. The view slowly unravelled and seemed to be a perfect demonstration of that short film yesterday. Mendoza is spreading and it ain't pretty. The mountains in the distance are behind clouds and the main statue is cordoned off. Basically anyone that drove up has wasted their time, those that walked will have thoroughly enjoyed the climb. I'll go back later in the week, when it's clear, to get a butchers of Aconcagua (6900m mountain) in the distance.

The sun's gone in, but i'm not looking forward to seeing my face in a mirror. Two hours back, knackered and am face to face with a very red me. Good excuse to lie down, chill out and recover for the evening festivities. Head out for a few beers with an Aussie geezer, he's knackered, he travelled here overnight and heads for the hostel, there's a casino round the corner ummm.....

5am i stagger out, wasn't quite the George Best moment in Ushuaia but still ended up 125 pesos up having had a thoroughly good laugh. A good business opportunity - casino's in Argentina. The locals clearly have no idea how to play Blackjack, some extraordinary "hit me" decisions, all good if your the "house".

Whilst writing this i have been watching the FA Cup live text on the net and as usual my predictions are pathetic. C'est la vie.

LAN

Buenos Aires to Mendoza takes 10 hours on a bus or 1hr 40 by LAN (a plane), the cost difference is about 10 quid. Ten minutes by taxi to the local airport, check-in took about 30 seconds,the flight left on time and arrived 10 minutes early. The only comical moment being the food served - a free drink and a box of grub. Opening the box was a classic Argentinian moment. One alfajor - a cookie type thing with dulce de leche (spreadable caramel) in it, a lemon cream biscuit and 3 crackers. They just don't do balanced diets here.

As an aside by far the biggest sections in a supermarket are meat and biscuits. The full array of cracker choices has to be seen to be believed.

Moving on, Mendoza's airport is tiny, my bag was second off, the taxi to the hostel was 2 quid and a free beer was imbibed whilst signing in. A charming little hostel, but small dorms but then seeing as i'm the only one in it and it's about 4.50 a night i'm not complaining. A "cultural" event was due to start at 10pm which left me enough time for a quick stroll and another beer.

The show finally started at 11pm, none of the hostel guests were there so it was me and 20 locals. First off was a Middle Eastern cooking demonstration, blending 2 baked bananas with mayonnaise, cayene pepper, salt, sugar and half a lime - an arabic guacomole. This turned out to be gorgeous - spicy; zesty with a subtle banana undercurrent. Poems were recited - didn't understand them, but were enjoyed by everyone else, later i was told they were all a bit perverted which would explain the nervous laughter from some areas.

Some short films followed. My favourite was produced in Gateshead of all places and was entitled "economic development". A beautiful country scene was depicted and then using time lapse and photoshop it showed the growth of a city over this area, very funny if somewhat depressing. The over quality one was an american piece on materialism, it had one great line: " the will to consume terrorises you". After the films more food all arabic and all very good, a load of truly cheap plonk and abit more unintelligible poetry. I collapsed at about 3am.

Woke up with a serious hangover, have since investigated the wine and discovered that even though it came from a bottle it cost 1 peso 90 - 30p. This must be about the cost of the bottle, label, shipping and shop costs. Christ alone knows whats in it - the label definitely wasn't giving anything away. Today i plan to go upmarket winewise.

Mendoza here i come

Well that's enough sitting around pretending to learn Spanish. My 3 month visa will expire shortly which is a great excuse to wander over to Mendoza, neck aload of wine before hopping over the border to Chile.

Xmas was spent on a couple's roof terrace (thanks Vero y Fernando) drinking wine and sampling the assorted salads brought by fellow revellers. The meal starts at 10pm on Xmas eve, the fireworks go off at midnight, presents are exchanged and the serious drinking starts. Xmas day is spent recovering in front of a video. Perfect.

New Year's Eve in Sandanza's was going well up until food poisoning set in, the less said about the next 24 hours the better.