Thankfully my first two weeks on this planet were spent in a hotel. The staff, however, were useless. None of them listened to my instructions: smoked salmon and champane didn't not arrive, steak and potato dauphinoise was likewise ignored. The cable television hadn't been installed and there wasn't even a bar. The only woman who seemed to have an inkling of what i was after was this beautiful looking and very tall lady who kept putting her breast in my mouth. I sucked - yummy.
After a week of ordering room service and not one dish having arrived i started to reassess my surroundings. You can imagine my distress when i came to the only logical conclusion - this wasn't a hotel but a hospital. Why anyone would consider this a suitable starting point for my life i could not, and still haven't, discerned. Two weeks finally passed and i was allowed to leave. I was very pleased to see that the tall lady with the nice boobs was coming with me. This seemed a most fortuitous event until it dawned on me that she was my mother, Jayne.
The horror that greeted me as i left the hospital was unimaginable. People everywhere, cars, noise, buildings - where's that breast gone, i needed some soothing. At this point a dapper young man approached and helped my mother to the car - a mini. Now really! Rolls Royce, Mercedes, Bentley, BMW no problem but this, this was a toy town car. My worries over the standing of my parents, for this was the only conclusion i could come to on their identity, was compounded when we proceeded to drive past a series of most desirous areas and park outside 54 Oak Village, London. Quiet, yes; friendly, yes; treelined, almost; famous neighbours 1. It could be worse i mused, but it could without question be bigger. The door was opened by that man, my father Edward - well that's what he said. I had my own room! Whoopee. Maybe these people did understand my needs. Maybe their was hope, maybe just maybe i would be able to survive and move on from these humble beginnings.
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