Life and Times Part xv

I've just realised i've missed out a very important part of my emotional development. This often occurs when an event is so psychologically damaging that it is shelved in the deepest parts of ones memory. I shall now bring forth this horrific period and hope to survive with sanity intact.

By the age of 12 i had managed to develop a set of teeth that Bug's Bunny would've been proud of. This was partly due to the fact i loved sucking my thumb, a worrying trait that i didn't finally rid until 15, and partly due to my genetic make up. You see, again, it was mainly my mother's fault.

Now i was happy to keep my teeth. After all it was me. Why change it? But no mother decided that cosmetic surgery,well orthodontistry, was necessary.

I was bundled into a car, i have never gone willingly to the dentist, and dragged off to meet yet another sadist. This one took one look and decided i needed a metal brace cemented to my teeth having had four teeth pulled out. As i said the man was a f##king lunatic. I disagreed. Four teeth pulled out, followed by a period of looking like the arch villain from a Bond film didn't seem the way forward.

Thankfully he couldn't start immediately. First they had to take a mould of my mouth. This involves some other sadist putting a putty like mould in your mouth, a tube in your throat and near death by choking. Half way through this process i told the "kind" lady doing this procedure i was going to be sick. She told me not to be silly. My mum, in fairness, pointed out that if i said i was going to be sick - i was going to be sick. The "kind" lady ignored me. I was sick all over her about 5 seconds later. Once she'd cleaned herself up she got back to her torturing, the mould was finished and i now faced the prospect of a pair of pliers.

I quite clearly was not going to avoid this and decided that emotional and financial blackmail was the only forward. I told my mother i wanted two pounds per tooth. This seemed alot back then, but the speed with which she agreed made me realise i'd started the bidding process way too low. My bartering skills weren't fully honed till my tour of India 13 years later. So for the pitiful amount of £8 i was going to have four teeth out. Shit. You would think this was a sophisticated process done under a general anaesthetic. Rubbish. (if you are eating don't read the next bit) They inject a local into your gum, incredibly painful, then the pliers push, twist and pull till , this ear splitting crack occurs and your tooth appears. This takes two visits, even the sadists realised two at a time was the most anyone could bear.

Then came the metal braces. Not a good look it has to be said. Every day i had to attach these elastic bands that would pull the top row back. Most days i would swallow at least one by mistake, no telling what this did to my digestion. What i can say is that when they came off nine months later i have never been happier (other than when Liverpool won the Champions League in Istanbul). I was pleased with the result, but realistically anything is going to look good after a pair of railroad tracks!

P.S The best photo of my bro and I ever taken. Thanx mum.